What did your death teach me my darling?

What did your death teach me my darling in these three years since you died? In life, you taught me how to love, how to laugh,  how to not give a f@&k what anyone thought. You taught me about the importance of being true to myself, the necessity of finding my creative medium. You taught me that life is far bigger than me. Or you. Or us. 

Yet now you have gone and I sit and wonder, what have you taught me in death? It feels like I must have learned a great deal because  I am not the same person I was when you were alive. I am quieter now. I live within myself and I miss the laughter that took me out. Yet, I am somehow more settled. More present. More of me. 

Maybe your death taught me that people are generally doing their best and when they hurt you, it is rarely intentional. Maybe your death taught me to take more notice of the little things because therein lays the beauty that is so often lost in the rush to see the bigger picture. Your death has certainly taught me much about how much time we spend being angry as a way to cover our fears. Your death has taught me that everyone is hurting and everyone is hiding...from themselves, from each other. From the truth. 

It feels like your death has taught me that grace and acceptance are the hardest of states but the ones that will provide most comfort . Your death has taught me to be kinder, even when people seem so incredibly self absorbed. Your death has taught me to be open and though I’m afraid of my own vulnerability, even as I rail against it., I have learned that it is honest. Your death has taught me to forgive myself for all the times I didn’t get it right with you. 

Your death has taught me that life does indeed draw to an end, even as all of life keeps happening. I could never have imagined that it would. But it has.

Your death has taught me to live a life so full and so real, I will never be able to leave it. Even when I’m gone. Because that is what you did my darling, when you died. You remained ever present. A constant reminder that we have this one chance at living. I continue to live for hahalala, even as you’ve gone. Because that’s what you have taught me my darling. To be true. 

💖💫